This new research is proving that we do have a choice in our own happiness equation.  I only wished that he had talked more about the resistances that we have to making that choice.   Nevertheless, this is definitely a great contribution to our tool box for reducing stress.

While these statistics are startling, it is amazing that we don’t devote more time to create the activities that would minimize the stress to our bodies.

Here are some categories of actions that we can take anytime and anywhere that will offer us relief from stress:

Daily relaxation periods
Take a few minutes each day to practice a simple relaxation technique that will restore your balance, center, and focus so that you can finish your day with equanimity.

Strengthening the Body’s defenses
Remember that your body is the foundation for your state of relaxation.  Here are three points that will help you to strengthen your resistance to stress:

• Keep the body well nourished to keep your strength up
• Get your required hours of sleep every night
• Exercise regularly, even if it is just walking around the block

Changing Routines
Surprising as it may sound, creating new routines in your life has an enormous residual effect on the body.  It is so exciting for the mind to have new experiences and routines.  Here are some simple stress relief actions that will keep your mind and body alert:

• When driving or walking take a new route to many of your favorite destinations
• Go out of your comfort zone when meeting new people
• Taste new foods
• Experiment with different colors when choosing clothes and furnishings
• Try taking a weekend out of town, with no destination planned, make it up as you go along

Always remember that you have choice in everything that comes into your life, even if it doesn’t feel like it

Warmly,

Ed

However vacations are not perfect, let’s admit it, most of the times they are too short and far between.  That is why we need to make the most of every opportunity that we can, to get away from it all.  We should not only insure that we get a total break from “the grind” but that we also plant seeds to insure that when we return we are not only rested but more mentally resilient to the pressures at work and home. This resiliency is not a result of being more “relaxed” but rather more “empowered” to look at your stressors from a totally different prospective.

When you’re ready to plan your next vacation here are 5 tips to keep in mind so that you will have a wonderful restful vacation and also be ready to tackle the issues that are waiting for you when you get home.

No reminders of work or home
Leave your projects at work/home and all those tools that remind you of those stressful paradigms.  If you must bring your phone then turn off your email account.  Sure you could work on vacation, but then it’s not really a vacation but a modified work situation.  If you understand this point then you won’t have to go to the ends of the earth to get off the grid to feel free for awhile.

Use time differently
Time really defines us, so leave your wristwatch home.  Now change the way you use time!  Don’t let the clock tell you when to eat, sleep, play, or anything else.  When you follow this tip your sense of time will shift and you will truly feel carried off into a timeless adventure where you will feel free and unencumbered.

Try something new and challenging
Do something new on every trip.  This can be challenging but very rewarding. Trying new adventures will initiate two very profound processes for change within you.  First it will be exciting and you will discover the inner you which has been waiting for such an experience.  Secondly, your sense of enjoyment, empowerment and confidence will blossom, leaving you with a lasting impression on your sense of self.

Reflect on what is important to you
From this perspective you will remember, once again, what is important to you; your joy!  The challenge now is finding a way to maintain this experience long after you return home to the challenges of your dynamic life. This is not as hard as you might think, and will provide you with stress relief without any effort on your part.

Observe – Remember – Choose
Take some quiet moments close to your departure home, to observe how you are preparing yourself for “re-entry” into the grind.  Observe what your mind is telling you.  See the two qualities of your life objectively; you have your busy stressful life on one hand, and the peaceful joyous self on the other.  The choice is yours.  When you find yourself  lost in the stress of life,  you have to handle the problems.   It doesn’t mean that you have to lose your joyous self in return.

One my dearest mentors would often tell me “practice makes the master.”  I would like to pass that on to you.

Have Fun creating a dream vacation and shoot me an email and let me know how it worked out.

My Best

Ed

Observation – Beliefs
When we reach the point where we realize that we have associated an incorrect meaning or judgment with a situation, place, person or interaction (a stressor,) we have reached a milestone in reducing the beliefs that cause  us stress.  In essence, we have admitted that we have made an error in judgment, created a habit around it,  and would now like to exchange this belief-habit with one that is not stressful.  At this point we have made the mental declaration that we want to change, but the habitual nature of the belief still remains intact.  We will need to come up against this habitual response with a new mental posture of acceptance and forgiveness rather than one of judgment, remorse and guilt.  (I will explain more on this mental posture later in the post.)

Once again let me remind you that this is a process.  So no one knows how many instances it will take to replace the belief, but I guarantee it will get easier as you practice.  I will tell you now that you won’t get it on the first try, unfortunately.  This is because you will come up against some resistance to giving up the habitual response.  Don’t fret, this is normal and it happens to all of us.

A “how to” case study
For clarity, I am going to set up a fictitious case study and use it to demonstrate how you would go about approaching this practice. Let me set the stage as follows:

“Karen is a 35-year-old software engineer who works for a prominent
IT company as a systems software programmer.  She is successful and
getting great reviews from her manager. Karen is a perfectionist and
workaholic, and is experiencing a great deal of stress at work and in her
private life. Karen’s major complaint is that she has too much work at
the cost of her private life.”

After working with Karen for a couple of weeks, she came to a an epiphany. She realizes that she is not a victim of her job.  She finally realized that it was her decision to be a workaholic and that the company is not making her work 50 hours a week.  She has discovered that she is not addicted to her work, but rather, she is addicted to what it represents in her mind (the interpretation.) When I asked her what that was she said in a low voice, “I work like a maniac because it makes me feel okay, lovable and worthy.”  She laughed and cried as this clarity washed over her and she sensed from a place deep inside that this choice was no longer serving her highest good.  This was the beginning of the end for that belief, but it would take some additional field work for Karen to make it indelible.

Observation – Interaction – Objection
In this phase of Karen’s work she is to remind herself every time she feels overwhelmed with work that “I choose this situation” (observation.)  Once she was aware of this fact. I asked her to interact with the feelings, emotions and reasoning of this new observation. She reported that she was feeling incomplete, not good enough and, yes, unlovable. I asked her to just feel it and not reject it.  I asked her to ask herself “Is this really true?” and just try to accept the emotion the best she can without judging it.

Observation – Interaction – Choice
In the next phase of her work, I asked Karen not only to observe and feel but to choose a new interpretation.  The decision was natural and inevitable, for as Karen discovered the fun and lovable side of herself  she was also deciding that her work was a means to enjoy and express.  For example, one afternoon at work Karen was going strong when she realized it was 5:30 PM.  She was tired and when the old voice said, “stay and work some more,” she declared to herself “No, I’m done for the day.  I have an evening planned for myself.”  Work could no longer define her for she was now defining her work’s purpose in her life.  The confidence that Karen received from her choice will foster similar choices in the future, which will ultimately be the rebirth of a new interpretation of work.  This is an empowering practice.  How wonderful it is to have a choice!

Adopting a new mental posture with yourself
There will be times when this process works and times when it doesn’t.  It will seem easy at times and other times more difficult.  In fact there will be times when you will forget to do the work entirely.  At first, Karen couldn’t allow herself to believe that she was “choosing” the situations that cause her to be stressed.   At other times Karen was excessively harsh with herself when realizing that she either forgot to practice or wasn’t successful that day.

When we can clearly observe our beliefs, without judgments, we are able to understand that beliefs are nothing to hide or be ashamed of.  It is merely an error in thinking that can be corrected.   We do not lack the ability to change or correct any error in thinking if we can see it without blame, remorse or guilt.  This is a new perspective that we must adopt for ourself and the beliefs that we are transforming.

As you can see from this semi-fictitious example, it comes close to the truth for many of us. The work is done inside our mind byworking with our thoughts and feelings.  Everyday there are numerous opportunities for us to practice and perfect this unlearning process. It takes time and effort, but is very rewarding.  Over the weeks and months we make small quantitative changes that ultimately lead to major qualitative experiences of less stress and more peace in our lives.

The choice is ours, and we can accept it now or pass on it.  The beauty is that we can never lose this precious gift, we can only postpone its completion.   Are you ready to take the challenge?  I hope so.

Warmly
Ed

As I remember, that day did not get off to a good start.  Besides sleeping through the snooze alarm, I was having a “bad tie day.”  You know, when you’re set on wearing a certain shirt that day, but can’t find  the perfect tie to go with it.  (Listen, if  women can have a “bad hair day” then men can have our own.)   Anyway, I settled on the blue tie against my better judgment because I had to move on and get into work, as I had an important early morning meeting with my manager.

My walk to the bus stop was relaxing.  As it turned out, the bus was running late, and I guess in hopes of making it come sooner, I kept staring up 5th Avenue imagining the bus turning the corner at 86th St. towards the stop.  That is when I noticed him.

Psychotic people look just like everyone else so I didn’t make much of his presence as he stepped by me, when the unexpected happened.  He stopped, looked me up and down, then in front of a crowd of my fellow commuters screamed at the top of his voice, “That is the ugliest tie I ever saw.”   I was in a state of shock, my first words screaming in my head,  ”How did he know?”

I wouldn’t have known that the man actually was disturbed if I hadn’t noticed that he started to verbally abuse others as he continued down 5th Ave., but it was too late.  The damage was done.  I believed him.  But why?  In part, because I knew that I wasn’t satisfied with the blue tie but wore it anyway.  I was disgusted with my indecision and embarrassment.

By the time our bus reached 79th St. everyone seemed to have forgotten the crazy guy, except me.   There was a battle going on in my head, I was tense and my body ached.  I had adopted a defensive attitude that I couldn’t shake.  My “bad tie day” seemed to be escalating and there was nothing that I could do that day but just ride it out.

Was that unbalanced man really the cause for the stress that was to follow me around for the entire day, or was it my own doing?  Did he really transfer his negative emotions to me or did I create them myself?  At the time,  I believed that my stress came from his attack, but in time I would see that my indecision about my choice of ties along with my decision to allow my tie to define me (in that moment) was the culprit of my unhappiness.

I imagined what would have happened if that guy had showed up at the bus stop a day earlier.  That day I was wearing my favorite Armani suit with my favorite shirt and tie.  It was a no-brainer.  I wouldn’t have hesitated to doubt him and see the situation as it really was, just the ranting of a some poor disturbed fellow.

It is definitely bruising to the ego to see the truth. After the initial shock of realizing that I was responsible for what happened that day, I was actually quite exhilarated.  I felt empowered with the ability to change my point of view rather than make excuses and blame other people.

Nowadays, most of my commuting is in the comfort of my Nissan Exterra. Instead of a crowded 5th Ave. bus I have a parking lot of cars on the 405 freeway.  Only now I know that I am in charge of the meanings that I give to everything and everyone in my life.

Warmly
Ed

Our innate search for happiness is what motivates us to do everything.  It is the underlining goal in our quest for love,  to create financial security, to provide community service, to have a family, and practice our spirituality.   We often think that the action or result of our actions creates our happiness, but I would like to suggest that it is the complete opposite.

The wealthy have commented time and time again that it is the creation of wealth that brings them the most joy, not the numbers of zeros in their bank accounts. We should believe them on this. “Happiness equals accomplishment,”  and “giving is receiving” are just a few sayings that attempt to convey that our choices for activity are merely opportunities to invite happiness to come forth from within us.  If people in Africa and Mexico have some of the highest ratings in general happiness, then this is a great indication that joy and well being is part of our make up; an intrinsic part of ourselves waiting siliently to come forward and be expressed.

The peace and calm we feel from yoga, exercise, or just lying on a hammock watching the clouds, is that we have suspended our thinking and judgements for the time being and can allow that peace within us to shine out.

Unfortunately it doesn’t last to long because once the mind kicks in again with judgements and interpretation the door closes again.   The mind’s habitual nature returns us to the old interpretations of our life.   If we could change these interpretations than we have a chance to maintain our happiness no matter what the circumstances may be; if we are on a beach in Bali or in a hostile business meeting.

So in my model of Sustainable Stress Release there are 3 integrals.  They are all necessary and dependent on each other.  Briefly, the first is to learn immediate stress relief techniques that work on the spot.  The second, which this post would fall into, is making lifestyle changes which enrich our day to day life by nourishing the body, having fun, and staying connected with family and friends.  The third and most critical to sustainability is changing our interpretation of the stressors in our lives.

When Ava, my two year old granddaughter comes over to play, we sing, dance and play all day.  She loves to sing her favorite songs, again and again, and again.  At first I thought alright, she’s learning the song, but once she learned it, she kept wanting to sing it.  So I asked myself the question why? Duh!, she loves it, it brings her joy and happiness why wouldn’t she want to do it as much as possible?   Wow when did we lose that desire? Who told us to stop because it was boring or annoying?

So here is a fun and wonderful activity that you can try.  All you need is to first set some time aside for yourself and second to think back to one of those incredible thing that you just love to do.  This activity should be on the level of creating such joy in your being that it stands out from everything else.  For example, perhaps there is a song that just puts you in a space, that has just the right sound qualities that it makes you feel free, alive and filled with joy so that, (and this is the necessary ingredient) you could listen to it all day. I think you know where I’m going with this.  Now go off by yourself and be a child and enjoy your activity, as much as you want.  Allow that child like joy to fill you up.  Don’t stop until you want to or you run out of time.   Enjoy and remember how happiness is your nature.

In case you don’t have the time to go off right now and be childish (in the greatest of ways) then here is something for you.   Search back in your memory when you did have time to be in your favorite activity.   Close your eyes, and remember, with all your senses.  In that dream like state you will begin to remember and feel the joy of that activity. This may take some practice but it does work.  This is due to the brain functioning that scientist call mirror neurons. Mirror neurons allow us to experience memories as if they were real.   Working with these new neurons are going to revolutionize stress management theory.

Have Fun

Warmly
Ed

Maybe that’s the reason I took the first opportunity to get out of town to college.  I was actually sad to leave the “big city” my home, the motherlode of the pizza and bagels.  An hour after landing in Cincinnati Ohio I had my first attack of “concrete depravation” to be followed a few days later when my lungs came down with an allergic reaction to fresh air.

Uprooting yourself almost half way across the country and having to accustom yourself to another way of living is underrated.   You not only grow tolerance and understanding for other lifestyles by noticing the differences, but learn so much more when you allow yourself to see their similarities.   By my junior year, I had done a complete 180 and couldn’t wait to get back to school after vacation breaks.  I began to notice for the first time the enormous amount of negative thinking that comes as a result of cramp spaces. Early into my senior year I started a meditation practice, that has stayed with me to this day, which permanently altered my ideas about our defense of the “differences” in life..

I guess it was about three months before graduation, thinking about returning to New York, when I started to notice how life in Cincinnati, or any other place for that matter, was actually very much like living in the place I called home.   Sure there was the obvious differences like 3.2 beer and slicing pizza pies in squares pieces   Nevertheless we all want the same things and most of all we grow into our own set of customs in the very same way; we conformed to fit in, to be accepted, and with that we buy in to the same stories of life, the same interpretation of experiences and most of all the interpretations of the stressors in our life.

Why are we so surprised when years after leaving home living lifestyles that our family would never dream of, we come to the conclusion that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.  We react to life in the same manner as our parents did to their way of life.

Euripides, an ancient greek scholar is attributed with the expression that basically says what happens to us is not as influential over us as  our interpretation of it.  This implies that our interpretations are emotional reactions that can override or supersede the rationality of the event.  For example,  the joy, confidence and comfort of becoming a millionaire begins to plateau as one’s riches begin to accumulate.   Studies have shown that making the second, third or tenth million does not increase ones sense of well-being proportionally.   In fact studies have shown that those same people after losing a few million can actually feel quite “poor” with only 2 or 3 million dollars left in their account.

Traditionally speaking, it has been the irrational interpretations that have not only created the most stress in our lives,  but are the most difficult to manage and correct. The greatest challenge confronting us when it comes to shifting our interpretations of life’s stressors is that we have a great deal of our identity invested in them.  It feels like we are losing or sacrificing “ourselves” if we change these beliefs.

What makes this path even more unapproachable is that as a society we have all agreed to agree on these interpretations.  It is built into the values of our communities so that the lost we perceive when deviating from the norm is not only within ourselves but engenders an exclusion from our sense of being part of a greater whole.

What do you think, leave a comment

Ed

Although these “automatics” get the job done there is an underlying drawback to this process. The “automatics” become so habitual that over time, we find it quite challenging to change the pattern and when we try we come up against a great deal of resistance, doubt and a sense of insecurity.  Unfortunately, without the help of knowing this, we inevitably stop trying because it becomes too uncomfortable.  When someone calls us on it,  we simple say “that’s who I am.”

There is an additional quality that accompanies the “automatics” of our actions and reactions. This quality is the interpretation of what that action or reaction means to us.  It is our unique interpretation from past experiences and doesn’t follow any logic but our own. Then objects, events, and memories carry with them not only what they obviously represent but also an intrinsic interpretation that we have place on them. This interpretation is like a belief that attaches a quality of good, bad, fearful, joyous, hatred or love to the story of that event. We can’t have one without the other.

So, for example,  if the love of our life leaves us for another and we feel the pain and betrayal so deeply we decide to protect ourself and “interpret” love as dangerous. We have created an “automatic” about love and with an interpretation or belief that not only will we be left in the end, but that we can not relax.  The stress that mounts as one keeps vigil over the inevitable ends up being more destructive, in the long run.

Our ultimate peace can’t come from changing or controlling the world around us, as we really have no control over what other people do.  However that doesn’t stop us from trying to control others, because as long as we try to control others we will not see that the correction is in our mind by changing our interpretations of the stressors in  our life.

Changing these interpretations is like leaving a bad relationship, very tricky.  As the old R&B 50′s song proclaims, “Breaking up is hard to do.”  Why? because it means we have to break up with our old interpretations, like an old friend who has our ear but not our best interests at heart.    Most humans are not comfortable with the unknown.  The journey from the mind to the heart asks us to trust our heart as much, if not more, than our mind. This seems difficult as it asks us to trust something unknown and unfamiliar.  It feels as if we are choosing between the best of two evils.  ”Better the devil that I know, than the devil that I don’t.”

We can change the interpretations of our stressor, but not overnight, as our mind would like to think.  It is a process that starts with first recognizing that we are listening to an inner voice, that old friend/enemy who is telling us a story that is possibly not true.  Recognizing this is the first step.  Observing the automatics “in action” reveals to us the insanity of  our “old friend’s” reasoning.

Once we have realized this, the mind is now open to a different interpretation that comes naturally to the mind that has begun it’s journey back home to the heart.

My Best
Ed

It’s not that difficult to find an activity that brings us some respite from the stress of the world, however it does take some practice to learn how to stabilize it in your life.   For example, you return home from 2 weeks of R&R in Bali, or you have the most wonderful weekend at your favorite resort & spa and the next day on your commute in to work it starts to hit you.   Memories of all the troubles, conflicts, and fears that are waiting for you, just minutes away, flow through your mind and then CLICK, your back.  Your not just back to the old geography, but the old mindset of stress and the eventual mounting of tension in your body.

Although the body can experience great rest and relaxation, that alone is just not enough to create a sustained sense of rest as you return to the stress of daily activities.  You could say that our bodies are rested but our minds have those same “old stories” of the situations and circumstances that are the stressors in your life.   Returning to the old stressors in our life, without seeing them from a different point of view, cannot create a different reaction to them.  Instead it is like the old definition of insanity that states; ”Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”

Our minds seem to trump our bodies all the time.  Have you noticed that no matter how wonderful you feel there is always some thought that can come to mind and wipe the slate clean and return us to unrest and anxiety.  We haven’t a clue where it came from or when it is going to happen,  so we chalk it up to our “unconscious mind”  as the trouble maker.   Yet there is something that we can consciously do.

In conjunction with regular periods of relaxation, the practice of “re-spinning” our beliefs about what the stressors in our life mean can create “sustainability” in relieving stress from our life, relationships, and working environment.

So the next time you return home from your favorite vacation or yoga class and find yourself at the mercy of a negative or fearful thought, stop for a moment, and ask yourself
“is this what I really believe?”   Ask yourself if that thought is really true.  Don’t take it seriously or laugh it off, and then observe how miraculously your peace of mind remains intact.

This will take some practice and is a process that doesn’t occur the first time you do it. Over time, with practice or with the help of a coach you will master it and your peace of mind will remain under your control from that point on.

Give it try and let me know how it goes

Ed

If we were discussing the technique for turning a light switch on, this might be true. Unlike an on off switch, stress does not just get turned on or off but grows gradually over time and cannot be turned off (in a sustainable way) in one single motion or technique.  In fact the process of becoming stressed occurs over time, becoming an automatic response to your stressors.     Like most habitual natures, any actions to change them are met with resistance and it take a process of observations, decisions and actions to eventually modify them.  The habitual nature of stress is an entire post or two in itself and I will go into it at another time.

By the time we reach adulthood we have all experimented with the customary methods of relaxation such as sports, working out at the gym, yoga, meditation, games, alcohol and etc.  These all work for awhile until we return to our daily routines and then we are once again caught up in it.   These practices give us a respite but do not foster sustainability because they work directly with the body and not with the stressors that the body and mind react to.  Nevertheless these practices are important even though they do not provide sustainability; they are essential building blocks to a sustainable stress relief program.

One such technique that I share with my clients is called “The body scan.”   It is practiced when one is alone sitting down with the eyes closed.  It begins with becoming aware of your breath.   Being aware of the smooth easiness of your breath allows your mind and body to “settle in” and relaxation will come over you naturally.  Once you feel more relaxed, put your attention on your toes, imagines that you can feel the cells in your toes.
You may notice some tickling or sensations, that is fine.  Then begin to more your attention slowly throughout your entire body moving from your toes up your legs, then your entire body finishing on the top of your head.   If at any time you find your mind busy with other thoughts, don’t fret, just return to the body scan and continue.

With practice and without rushing you should be able to do this in about 10 to 15 minutes.   You may find that when you are “scanning” the body in this way you may also pick up some tension or tightness.   If this is the case just keep your awareness on that spot for a few minutes and you will begin to notice that the tightness dissipates and your relaxation deepens as well.

Another useful variation of this technique is when you are not alone, and cannot close your eyes.   If you just put your awareness on your breath, consciously observing your inhales and exhales while you stare at a fixed object in the room you will be able to return to a calmness that will help you gain balance and a confidence to return to the task at hand.  With practice you should be able to do this in the presence of others without their knowledge.  It is definitely worth the effort to master these practices.

Give it try, and get back to me.

My Best
Ed